MAXIMUM HATE FOR THE MINIMUM REASON

A few weeks back I read on a major British website a description of Mitchell Johnson that I found abhorrent in the extreme. A contributor wrote, with some delight I expect, that Mitch was a ‘knuckle-dragger’.

At the time I dismissed it as an ignorant aberration for surely no sane person would publicly denigrate people of Aboriginal ancestry as being sub-human. I was wrong. I'd forgotten that illusions of racial superiority aren't genetic but a behaviour that is learned.

Perhaps coincidentally, the very next day I read of a dozen learned British institutions that are refusing to hand over the stolen bones of some 2000 Australian natives. Their families have fought at great expense financially and emotionally in British courts since the 1980s for their return. All they ask is that their ancestor's remains be finally laid to rest in the appropriate cultural setting.

The reasons for the research are apparently secret but it is known that the remains are still required after a century of abuse and disrespect. You can make up your own mind as to why the bones of people of Aboriginal descent are needed for testing by anthropologists. The original stated reason for the grave-robbing was to prove conclusively that Australian Aboriginals weren't quite human but a sub-species of Homo Sapien.

These experiments have continued unabated for over a century at semblant seats of learning such as Oxford and Cambridge with hardly a peep from the general British population or the academics involved.

How does this deplorable example of an empire's indifference relate to cricket?

In light of the continued racial vilification of Andrew Symonds in India, the above is given as a cushioned example of the consequences of inaction when confronted with ignorance and hate. These mental poisons, if not confronted when they appear, become the established norm. The written history of humanity is littered with this destructive pattern.

The BCCI took a similar gutless approach this last fortnight when it refused to acknowledge the racist chants emanating loudly from the grandstands of Chandigarh, Vadodora, Nagpur and Mumbai. They were all aimed at the same player, the only member of the Australian team with African ancestry.

The Indian Board and match referee Chris Broad sat on their grubby collective hands and as each match passed the tolerated abuse became more vicious and organised.

I presume that the ICC will also sweep this under the plush Dubai carpet and hope that now that the series has ended so has this most distasteful occurence. Unfortunately that won't be the case, the snake has escaped.

I have little doubt that the mute response of the relevant authorities to this cretinous public display of hatred will have consequences for Australian cricket this summer. Australia, like everywhere else, is not immune to the ridiculousness and foolishness of racist idiots. Add booze, a hot sun, an Indian touring squad and the indifferent treatment of a popular cricketer and you have a recipe that will make the Police Sargeant in charge of the cells a very busy man indeed.

When it does occur Downunder, public racism is stamped on quickly and the offenders publicly humiliated and punished. During South Africa's last tour complaints were made of racist remarks from the outer in Perth and after a police investigation the perpetrators, all refugees from post-Apartheid South Africa, were prosecuted. James Sutherland, Cricket Australia's chief administrator, has lobbied all authorities involved and there is a legislated zero tolerance policy in place and any person yelling a racially-motivated obscenity - non-racial is apparently OK - will be dealt with harshly.

The timing of these events has been curious to say the least. I wrote last week of the unsporting and disrespectful behaviour of sometimes Indian opening bowler Sreesanth and his verbal targeting of Symonds. It is surely not a coincidence that the racial taunts appeared soon after. Andrew has toured India before without incident, in fact on the last tour he was treated as a hero after his efforts installing a roof and water tank for an orphanage that Matt Hayden and a few flush Christian mates privately finance.

Organised racist chants are not new in India, the most notorious being the disgusting denigration of Desmond Haynes in Bangalore in 1982. However, up until this series these affronts were isolated. This tour has shown that racial taunting from Indian spectators is a national phenomenon with momentum and I am reasonably certain that if the authorities had treated the first incident at Chandigarh seriously then all would be forgotten by now. The cricket administration's lukewarm acceptance of racist taunting encouraged its proliferation and growth. In doing so the very people that are employed to nurture the grand game have assisted in dragging it into the sewer.

Mention must be made of the stoicism and conviction of the victim, Andrew Symonds. He has chosen to not respond to the baiting and let his bat do the talking. He topped the aggregate and averages for the series all at a strike rate well in excess of a hundred. In adversity a man can learn much about himself and Roy has gained plenty from this series. He has emerged a better and wiser cricketer and that I propose is the best reply to the ignorant miscreants.

I have experienced nothing that can compare to the loathsome display from last night's Mumbai crowd. Watching Andrew Symond's sad expression and slumped shoulders as he fielded on the green expanse of the Wankhede Stadium, against a backdrop of literally thousands of people in unison squealing and acting like monkeys was, in my mind, the saddest thing I have ever witnessed in my 25 years as a member of the wider cricketing family.

AUSTRALIA'S MOST WANTED

In Australia we love a villian. A few summers back most of the continent became infatuated with the antics of South African hard-man Andre Nel. He loved the contest and generously dished up his aggressive and abrasive brand of cricket to both the Australian team and crowds. He naturally received plenty in return but always saw the humour of the situation and knew that the theatrics were just that, a bit of fun. Many a hot confrontation was defused with a devlish grin.

At a packed partying MCG under a hot holiday sun Brett Lee repeatedly bounced big Andre. It was great entertainment as Lee exaggerated his follow-through after each delivery that Andre had to duck, fend and swerve. Every time their eyes locked, the combatants, although in a tense battle, would exchange a few well chosen words followed by a smile.

It was wonderful and extraordinarily competitive cricket and the crowd and the players enjoyed it immensely. It never detracted from the contest because there was respect on both sides. Respect for themselves, their opponents and most importantly, for wearing their nation’s cap on one of cricket’s grandest stages.

Keith Miller, Australia’s finest allrounder, when asked by English chat-show host and unabashed fan Michael Parkinson to describe the secret to his success not only on the cricket field but during fierce mortal air battles during World War II, leaned forward and replied in a soft self-assured tone, “Respect yourself and your efforts for self-respect leads to self-discipline. When you have both of these qualities then you have real power at your fingertips”. This is a lesson that Indian opening bowler Shanthakumaran Sreesanth seems destined to learn the hard way.

Sreesanth’s behaviour against the Australians during the last three encounters has been, to put it mildly, bizarre. He cannot fathom that there is a difference between hard aggressive cricket and immature petulance. It’s understandable that he wants to take the game to the Australians but the young man seems confused at what this exactly entails.

His exaggerated send-off of Hayden and Gilchrist in South Africa earned him a monetary fine and left Hayden seething and Gilchrist bemused. His crazed send off at Kochi, his home ground, and childish unsporting attempt to run out Symonds left the Queenslander indignant and feral.

Sreesanth is a hero to millions of kids and their parents in his home province and the example he set during the second ODI was perhaps the most appalling behaviour I have ever seen on a cricket field. Despite assurances from a clearly frustrated Indian captain MS Dhoni that all was well Sreesanth was deservedly dropped for the next encounter, a match India won by eight runs, their first ODI win against Australia in three years.

The Indians complained about sledging on their recent tour of England and again against Australia but the evidence on this tour is that the Indians are the instigators and most blatant offenders. They cry foul that their opponents have spoken ‘harsh words’ on the field but when they trangress themselves they are full of excuses and empty platitudes.

Australians do play hard on the field but without exception they shake hands, congratulate or commiserate with their opponents at match end and extend an invitation for a shared and well-earned cold beer. This pattern of behaviour is evident at all levels of Australian sport and it is a proven, healthy and respectful way to treat your opponents. Never would behaviour like Sressanth’s be accepted or excused.

Sreesanth through his petulance is now Australia’s most wanted and I predict that his time Downunder later this year will not be a pleasant one. He has earnt the ire of Ponting and the nation and there is little doubt that if he plays in Test matches then he will be targeted by Tait, Lee, Clark and Johnson. Perhaps they’ll knock some sense into him. Time will tell.

THE WOODCUTTER'S REVOLUTION

There is a myth that has penetrated the media that the International Cricket Council are the custodians of cricket. This fancy waxes that the ICC, from their majestic ivory towers, dispense their wisdom to all the cricketing world. The benevolent bureaucrats rule and the cricket family humbly obeys. Leather hits willow and we all live happily ever after, picnicking under a shady pavilion on a field of green.

What poppycock and cowpats. If the spinners at the ICC ever took up cricket, batsmen would find them unplayable. Corporate giants may sit at their feet paying tribute for little more than a big name tag, a few nibblies and an airconditioned box but many in the cricketing world know better.

For those that still hold to the myth, the recent World Cup serves as a reminder to its fallacy. Without going into details, it is obvious to most that the ICC have little compassion for the good cricketing folk of the Caribbean. Ridiculous ticket prices, draconian rules of stadia entry and disrespect for the local cricket culture all serve as evidence of the ICC’s true agenda. To feather their own nests and be damned with the cricket. Entrusting the smart suited, tax evading bourgeois of the ICC to care for cricket is akin to permissing mining companies the right to veto environmental legislation.

“Tis an outrage, mon,” shouts Jimmy Mackintosh above the cacophony of traffic in Factory Road outside the splendidly titled Recreation Ground. “Here in Saint Johns cricket is as natural as breathin’ de air.” He pauses and stares with fiery bloodshot eyes as a truck rumbles past and then shouts, "Ja Ja give us all de air we need. We have bats and balls. We need no ICC. We join with our brothers an’ sisters not de oppressor.” The seabreeze blows a rope of salt and pepper hair across his face and he moves closer. “Listen to me when I tell you mon, Babylon will fall when da revolution come.”

Jimmy knows a secret. The revolution has begun and unsurprisingly has its roots in the seemingly quiet hamlet of Franklin, Tasmania. The art of civil disobedience runs strong through families in the area and has been practised for near on two centuries. Thoreau’s Walden is a popular bedtime story and many a house has a picture of Mahatma on the back of the toilet door. Considering that nearby Port Arthur was a keener nineteenth century version of Guantanamo Bay, the art probably has Celtic origins which the prisoners mischieviously transplanted upon arrival.

The headquarters of this new revolution is in the solar powered, weatherboard clubrooms of the Woodcutters Cricket Club. The Green political movement accidently began its journey in the same clubrooms in 1968. At the season ending presentation dinner, under a banner that read, ‘POSSUMS ARE PEOPLE TOO!’, Dr Robert Brown, the flamboyant pediatrician and slow medium trundler presented the riddle that still remains unsolved, “We use the air as a sewer and piss in the water. We enthusiastically poison the earth. We destroy a forest and a desert appears. So where the fuck is a tired possom supposed to kip?”

The Woodcutters as it is commonly known was established by the brothers Flynn in 1824. During the early decades of the colony, the population in the Channel was sparse and predominately male. Denied the opportunity to compete for mates, the brothers, during one particuarly boozy and sexually violent evening with a crew of whalers, wisely decided to express their manliness with bat and ball. For twenty seven long months, with axe and pick they cleared the ancient Antarctic Beech forest beside the Huon River at Franklin, and created the Woodcutters Cricket Ground. The ground’s dimensions remained intact until 1975, when the southern boundary was shortened to accommodate a permaculture garden to provide fresh salads at the lunch interval. The Woodcutters are fiercely independent and have had numerous run ins with the ICC since its invention in 1909 as the Imperial Cricket Council and it would seem, they are finally fed up.

Peg Milkinghorne, alpaca stud owner and current club secretary explains, "Our troubles with the ICC go back along way”. Methodically searching through a battered olive green filing cabinet she produces a yellowing document and sighs, “Here it is”. She sits at her sassafras desk. “This was the first letter we received from London. It is dated the sixth of May, 1910. It basically says that the king has appointed the men of the ICC as the guardians of cricket and that we must follow their direction. It ends with the phrase For King and Empire.” A little giggle escapes Peg’s lips, "Always get a chuckle around here", smiling she continues, “England is a fair stretch from Franklin, love. Did you know that outer space is closer?”

Between satellite video calls to Antigua and Barbados, Peg gave me a summary of the many disputes The Woodcutters have had with the burghers of Lords. She told of the axing of the back foot law and how it ignited an umpire strike and caused more than a few retirements. “It was a terrible time, dear. More than one match ended unfinished in fisticuffs.”

The season in which field restrictions arrived caused even more confusion and consternation. “They have no respect for the conventions.” Peg explained how the Woodcutters still used the ‘Code of 1744’ for cricket related measurements. “We have a Gunter’s chain to measure the pitch and use an ell-wand for other measurements. We could find no Saxon measuring implement that was the required length for the inner circle. Despite many letters back and forth to London and more recently Dubai, we still have no resolution to this problem.” She sheepishly added, “The ICC eventually sent a measuring tape and a box of white Kookaburras. The tape was quite useful for indoor bowls and renovating the club kitchen but the white balls proved difficult to see against the sightboard. The club donated the balls to the widow Bella Hunt.” She paused to look through the window at a flock of Red Breasted Black Cockatoo descending on the outfield before continuing, “Her husband Ted was an opening bat in the tragic premiership winning 1964/65 team that was decimated by conscription and Vietnam.” Another mournful peek through the pane. “Anyway, she had plenty of room in the shed and wrote the club a lovely thankyou saying how useful they were in training cattledog pups, growing tomatoes and drowning feral cats.”

The recent law change that restricts the number of bouncers per over produced such outrage within the Woodcutters that counselling sessions with Helen Evenstar, the local aromatherapist were made available. Fast bowlers like Bluey Thomson were even more angry than usual. “The bats have helmets, what’s their problem?”. He spat on the ground and rubbed the congealed saliva into the dirt with his sole. “My old man Nobby, who took 426 wickets for the ‘Cutters, would be rolling in his grave. I’m pissed off. Helen gave me a lavender pouch to put under my pillow but all it does is make my dog sneeze all bloody night. I had to chain him to the ute. I can tell you, it’s bloody cold in bed without Max.”

Action was needed. In fine democratic tradition the Woodcutters lobbied their rival clubs’ fast bowlers and stacked the Channel Association election. Their charismatic former champion all rounder Hugo Churchill stood as a candidate. Hugo quoted Edmund Burke ad nauseum and won the top job in a landslide. Immediately, the restriction on short pitched bowling was scrapped as was the free hit for overstepping the crease. Other changes soon followed to even up the battle between bat and ball.

Whilst travelling the state classing wool, mulesing and comparing Merino scrotums, Hugo convinced others to thumb their nose at the ICC. Using the slogan "If it wasn’t for bumpers Hilfy would be bricklaying”, he convinced every Association on the island to reject the ICC missive. Soon mainland associations joined the insurrection. Kalgoorlie was first and Cootamundra, Wee Waa and Mullumbimby soon followed. Antiguan Jimmy Mackintosh, a cousin of Curtly Ambrose and brother in law to Andy Roberts, heard of the grassroots campaign against the ICC at the Cornerstone Roots reggae festival and quietly convinced the Saint Johns cricket association to get on board. Similar grassroots campaigns are beginning to take root in Matabo, Stanley, Bridgetown and Invercargill.

The Tasmanian Cricket Board elections are slated for May 2008 and Hugo with team of burly fast men is standing. The word around the traps is that Hugo is becoming a megolamaniac that will win hands down. The suits are worried and currently they are running a series of unprecedented political propaganda advertisements between overs during the World Cup. Whilst images of Tasmania’s win in the Sheffield Shield final flitter across the screen, an insincere voiceover informs of the inspiring work the current administation are doing. Incredibly the commercial finishes with Ben Hilfenhaus clocking Simon Katich with a bouncer!

The Woodcutters expect that they will have control of Cricket Australia within the decade, not from violent resistance but from stacking elections with disgruntled fast bowlers. As an opening batsman I find this political situation a bit like taking strike on the first morning of a match. Disturbing and yet thrilling. The thought of the unknown always is.

The ICC have failed to heed the first lesson that cricket teaches. Watch the ball. Or as Hugo Churchill so eloquently puts it, “The good shepherds of the Weald invented the grand game of cricket and not one member of the ICC has ever sheared a sheep. It’s a bloody disgrace. Their days are numbered. The revolution has begun."

NO TIME FOR GAMES

During the cold and wet winter of 1971, Sir Donald Bradman and newly appointed Australian cricket captain Ian Chappell held an extraordinary and historic press conference in Adelaide. The meeting was held to communicate to the world that Australian cricket was withdrawing its invitation to South Africa for the coming summer’s tour.

The reasons given were simple and from the heart. Chappell, Bradman and many of their contemporaries were appalled by apartheid. They were frustrated in particular with the Australian Government’s refusal to impose trade sanctions on the racist regime. The government had been lobbied and pressured by cricketers for near on a decade.

The movement was led coherently by Richie Benaud who returned from his first tour of South Africa in 1958 disturbed by what he had witnessed. Bradman in his prepared speech said “The feeble government reaction to this abhorrent regime is despicable. Cricket is the face of this young nation and not for the first time we will stand as one and try by whatever means possible to make a difference”.

It took a further six years before the rest of the Commonwealth fell into line. At the CHOGM conference at Gleneagles in 1977 it was finally agreed that the nations involved would discourage sporting ties with the apartheid regime as part of a wider campaign against racism. Australia and the Caribbean nations wanted an outright ban but the other Commonwealth countries led by Great Britain and supported curiously by many African members were more comfortable with the weak and malleable verb, discourage.

Seventeen years passed but eventually the hideous apartheid regime was toppled. It took longer than a quarter century to achieve but eventually the compassionate stone that Benaud through into the geopolitical pond generated a wave that swamped and defeated the inhumanity of European supremacism in South Africa.

You would think that after such a long struggle lessons would have been learned, not only by the citizens of the Southern continent but by members of all nations.

Apparently not.

Just a fortnight ago, at the same time that the victorious Australian cricket team returned with the gleaming golden World Cup trophy, the United Nations allowed Zimbabwe to be elected to head the UN's commission on Sustainable Development.

Two days later Zimbabwean opposition leader Sekai Holland arrived at Sydney’s Kingsford-Smith airport in a wheelchair to be treated for injuries sustained in a brutal police beating.

She was scathing in her attack on the Mugabe regime and lifted her shirt to show the dark purple bruising that several untreated broken ribs had caused. She also was nursing a broken wrist and leg. Fortunately for the 63 year old grandmother, her Australian husband with the help of the Foreign Affairs Department were able to aid her getaway in an air ambulance whilst under house arrest in Harare. It has been reported that Zimbabwean President Mugabe was furious at Sekai’s escape.

With the World Cup back on the dry, red earth of the Australian continent and the players in the news, it was inevitable that the media would again ask questions about Australia’s next Zimbabwean tour. It didn’t take long. In the very first public presentation of the glistening trophy a reporter asked Ricky Ponting if he was comfortable about touring Zimbabwe in September for three one day internationals. Punter in his best diplomatic performance to date emphatically said, “No, I am not comfortable.” and the celebrating green and gold throng fell silent and under a cloudless sky a sombre tone descended. Ricky ever perceptive, noticed this, flashed his mischievous grin and retorted, ‘On second thoughts mate I’d rather play golf’. The crowd began talking and laughing again but the issue of Zimbabwe and Australian collective cricketing morality was not easily dismissed.

The future consequence of Australia’s finest filling Mugabe’s pockets with gold quickly became a major concern. The players were badgered about their views and Matthew Hayden’s thoughts were typical. He said that when Australia last visited Zimbabwe in 2004 he thought about boycotting, like Stuart MacGill. "I was seriously considering my position this time, as to whether I would go if the tour went ahead.”

"I considered not going last time but went in the end. I now regret it. This time I was considering it a lot more heavily. I think this time it could have been a case of once bitten, twice shy. While I felt our safety was compromised a bit, I just felt compromised in general. The whole tour became a farce."

With the players concerns now well known the spotlight turned to Cricket Australia, the governing body of Australian cricket. Under pressure the CEO James Sutherland threw up his arms in despair at being continually questioned about the morality of touring Zimbabwe.

“We are not a political organisation. That doesn't for one moment suggest that we don't operate oblivious to issues that are going on in those parts of the world, but we don't have a mandate to be making decisions on those grounds.’

He then promptly put the problem neatly in the foyer of the ICC’s offices in Dubai.

“If we do not tour, the ICC under current contracts in relation to the Future Tours Programme, have the authority to levy a fine of 2.4 million dollars onto Cricket Australia that would be paid indirectly to the Zimbabwean Cricket Union.”

Whilst Malcolm Speed and his cronies prepared their abysmal response to the moral challenge that confronted them, private talks between Cricket Australia and the Federal government were taking place. Initially the Prime Minister announced that the Treasury would pay the fine but had second thoughts when reminded that the cash would have little chance of filtering through to Zimbabwe cricket and would only enhance the regime’s bank balance.

In an election year with his government hanging on by its fingernails, the Machiavellian mind of the Prime Minister soon turned this moral dilemma to his political advantage.

Government lawyers were dispatched to Dubai to find a loophole. They reported back that indeed there was a loophole in the process that allows an exemption for any team banned from touring by their sovereign government, a clause that was necessitated by India and Pakistan's stand-off during the 1980s and 1990s.

Last weekend the Australian Prime Minister traveled without entourage to seek counsel from Ricky Ponting on this sordid affair. While Ricky’s gorgeous wife Rhianna prepared a sumptuous seafood lunch, the PM and Punter discussed the repercussions of not abiding by the ICC’s amoral agenda. On national television the next morning the Prime Minister announced that with Ricky Ponting’s blessing, during the next parliamentary session, legislation will be introduced prohibiting Australian cricketers from playing against Zimbabwe in September.

This sets what may become a dangerous precedent but in light of the ICC’s refusal to forfeit the fine the Australian people were left with little choice. If the cricketers toured, Mugabe pockets the funds. If they do not tour the ICC would effectively act as Mugabe’s agent and he still gets the cash. In legislating against the tour Mugabe gets nothing except more international condemnation and the besieged Australian government can pretend it has a moral conscience.

The populace now expect the Australian Government to also pass legislation in regards to trade sanctions and humanitarian aid distribution in Zimbabwe. The opposition have already stated that they will enact such legislation if given office later this year.

In an election year the government has little choice but to follow suit.

Of course Australia’s refusal to tour Zimbabwe will make little difference in the short term to the citizens of that country. But once again the Australian cricketing community has had to make a stand because the leaders of more powerful nations will not. History indicates that this small protest is the belated beginning of the end for Mugabe and his sycophantic minions.

Robert Mugabe is a cunning calculating dictator, and is it not time that the international community stopped allowing this thuggish tyrant to play us off, nation against nation, culture against culture, until the core of the issue - Mugabe's loathsome regime - is lost in the bickering?

The oft-misunderstood Ponting at today’s press conference stated, “I understand that no government in the world has a perfect record on human rights but Zimbabwe at the moment is beyond the pale. As far as this situation is concerned, I'm comfortable that the Australian government has taken the responsibility for making international affairs decisions on behalf of the country. As captain of Australia I've never had a problem playing against international cricketers from Zimbabwe. Hopefully the board can arrange for us to play them at a neutral venue.”

It took 40 years for Benaud’s dream of equal rights for all to be enacted in South Africa. I pray as do many of my compatriots, that it takes a lot less time to emancipate the dispossessed people of it’s northern neighbour.

WALKING WITH DINOSAURS

Debate has raged all week in the Old Dart about the walking non-issue. These types of arguments rarely rage at the Shed. Davo reckons it’s a complete waste of oxygen. The Marylebone Cricket Club’s Official Laws of Cricket are clear. Law 27 is explicit. In layman’s terms what it essentially says is that a batsman can give himself out if he wishes, but isn’t inclined to (27.1). Additionally, an umpire has the power to order a batsman back to the crease, if in his opinion he disagrees with the player’s misplaced morality (27.7). It ends with the incontrovertible phrase, “an umpires decision, once made, is final” (27.9).

In light of this debate and with a parched palette, your correspondent hitched a ride in Davo’s ute and headed down to the Wattle and Swan to have a beer with local umpire Dickie Cowans, a man that played and officiated in Lancastrian League cricket for over two decades before being seduced to emigrate to Australia with the love of his life, local sculptist and Quarry Road Cricket Club Scorer Rhonda Barrett.

An excellent Celtic flautist who once played at Buckingham Palace for the Queen Mother, Dickie began umpiring locally as soon as the Tasmanian Cricket Association allowed. With a veteran’s knowledge of the English game and six years experience in Australia, the Shed sought his views on walkers. Below lies the unedited transcription.

Nesta: G’Day Dickie.

Dickie: How are you old mate?

Nesta: Paddling upstream but she’ll be right. I was wondering if I could gauge your views on cricket for the website I write for occasionally.

Dickie: Googly isn’t it?

Nesta: That’s right.

Dickie: OK but it’s your shout. I had a read there the other day and saw that toff Cowdrey taking the high moral ground.

Nesta: We’re in harmony today Dickie because that is precisely what I’ve come to talk about. Before we begin could you start off and tell the readers how you were given the name Dickie when you first arrived in these parts?

Dickie: Well you know this story because you’re the bastard who gave it to me. And it has stuck to me like a bad smell. Where’s that beer?

Nesta: It’s coming. And it wasn’t me it was Bluey. Go on tell the story. You know what? I’ve just realized that I don’t even know the name your Mother gave you.

Dickie: It was my Father and it is Brian.

Nesta: Easy mate. Come on Dickie, just tell us the story. This is your chance to air your side of the tale.

Dickie: Yeah. OK. Well it was my first match umpiring down here and after being put through the wringer by the TCA, I was finally allowed to get back on the field.

Nesta: What happened with the TCA?

Dickie: They treated me poorly when I first arrived. They made me sit a beginners exam even though I’d already been umpiring back home for a dozen years. All’s forgiven now.

Nesta: Sounds fair. What did they say when you told them you were experienced and licensed in England?

Dickie: That I wouldn’t have any trouble passing the test!

Nesta: You probably thought he was joking! Hey Dickie, now what about that nickname?

Dickie: Yeah. Well I strolled out to the toss where you and Bluey from Sorell were waiting and you both started sledging me.

Nesta: That wasn’t sledging Dickie. And anyway, it was your own fault for wearing that silly white coat.

Dickie: Yeah well, if you let me finish.

Nesta: Sorry mate. Continue.

Dickie: As I was saying, you and the other captain were calling me Dickie and giggling like schoolgirls.

Nesta: Steady on Dickie. It’s a form of affection. You know that, don’t you?

Dickie: Well I do now but I didn’t then.

Nesta: Is that why you gave me out leg before to a ball missing leg by three feet?

Dickie: It was swinging back and hitting middle! And you batted all bloody day didn’t you?

Nesta: 112 before that dodgy decision if I remember correctly. Rhonda would have the book. It’s hard to forget centuries on the first day of the season. I know you didn’t mean it. It was late in the day and you were sweating buckets in that coat of yours.

Dickie: Are you printing this?

Nesta: I’m joking mate, we all know that umpires are bastions of integrity and honesty. Anyway, what do you think of walkers?

Dickie: Well, since living down here it's been pointed out to me that historically walking was a way for the upper class Poms to assert their moral authority over everybody else.

Nesta: That’s exactly what Cowdrey was doing then?

Dickie: What do you think, Nesta? Putting shit on the rest of us is a British ruling class tradition.

Nesta: Seen much walking down here?

Dickie: Never. I was told by old Tom Hawkins, he’s umpired for 40 years, that the real cheats are the walkers.

Nesta: What do you mean?

Dickie: Fellows that walk don’t do it all the time. So they plant a seed in the umpire’s mind that they are above suspicion. That way they are often given the benefit of the doubt when they do nick one.

Nesta: Not by old Tom, I bet. You're right. you don’t see too many blokes walking on 99. Did you see much walking when you umped and played in England?

Dickie: Remarkably Nest old man, I did.

Nesta: What was your job then? Walking coathanger?

Dickie: Not exactly.

Nesta: So walkers are not moral crusaders but con men. Is that right?

Dickie: I never thought so until I came to live here but I think that is a correct assessment.

Nesta: Should we suspend them for bringing the game into disrepute?

Dickie: Enough bloody questions Nesta. Where’s my ale? Being a celebrity is hard slog on a Sunday afternoon. Where’s your guitar? Let’s go out on the verandah, sit in the sun and play some tunes.

Nesta: Sounds like a plan, Dickie. I’ll get the beers.

THE AUSTRALIAN METHOD

In the ten weeks since the conclusion of the 2007 World Cup every Test playing nation with the exceptions of South Africa and New Zealand have replaced or are in the process of replacing their head coach. Some transitions have been seamless. Other plans have come embarrassingly unstitched. However, one constant thread weaves its way through each and every country's coaching dramas, dilemmas and decisions. Australians. They were either departing, long-listed, short-listed, coveted, seduced, rejected or appointed. It would seem that cricket administrators the world over consider a coach in possession of a passport emblazoned with emu and kangaroo an important ingredient on the road to success.

Late last week Sri Lanka hired their fifth Australian coach in a decade when they recruited New South Wales incumbent Trevor Bayliss to replace the reluctant Tom Moody. The self-professed high-powered Sri Lankan selection committee, comprising such luminaries as Aravinda de Silva and Duleep Mendis, interviewed current Queensland coach Terry Oliver and John Buchanan's assistant Jamie Siddons before being captivated by Bayliss' presentation. After witnessing Trevor's salesmanship first-hand SLC secretary Kanangan Mathivanan said: "When we knew how good he was, we signed him up immediately because there are a lot of countries head-hunting for coaches at present."

Bayliss' good fortune at landing such a plum coaching position now leaves NSW without a mentor for the up-coming 2007/08 season. Former NSW coaches Geoff Lawson and Steve Rixon would both enjoy the opportunity of replacing Bayliss at the SCG but Cricket NSW administrators would be wise to wait for the Pakistan board to appoint their coach before they make a definitive decision.

Under tight security, Geoff Lawson flew to Islamabad on Saturday to personally submit his application as Woolmer's successor, while Rixon appears uninterested despite several advances from Pakistan chairman Dr. Nasim Ashraf. Former ICC high performance manager Richard Done and 1996 World Cup winning coach Dav Whatmore are also in the mix to become Pakistan's next coach.

Whatmore recently finished his 4 year Bangadeshi contract with his already impressive reputation intact. Although invited to extend his tenure, Dav declined, choosing instead to apply for the unadvertised position as the chief of Team India. That he was not considered for the short list, or the long list presumably, must have been a shock. The BCCI in their wisdom instead offered the job to recalcitrant South African Graham Ford and bizarrely interviewed John Emburey rather than talk to Dav. It appears that Bangladesh's victory and subsequent elimination of India at the recent World Cup has cut deep in Indian cricket circles.

Whatmore's best chance of an international job now lies in the Pakistan appointment but the fact the PCB were very keen to speak with Lawson after interviewing Dav doesn't bode well. Perhaps Whatmore will be offered the NSW top job after the international coaching positions are filled. But then again, perhaps not. The Blues have always employed one of their own as leader and as Dav has Victorian ties it would be a surprise if he landed the job.

Whatmore's assistant and Bangladesh U/19 and ‘A’ team coach, Darwin grade legend Shaun Williams, was appointed as the young Tigers interim boss for the soon tour of Sri Lanka. In a logical decision that led to an easy transition, Williams won out over highly regarded Australian team performance analyst Richard McInnes. The BCB general secretary Mahbub Anam stressed that the Williams posting was on a series to series basis and that the board were hopeful of Dav’s return. He stated at a mid-week press conference, "Our door is still open for Whatmore. He is a great coach and the Bangladesh team has improved a lot during his four-year tenure." Reports have also indicated that the BCB have created a vastly improved salary package to induce Whatmore back to Dhaka if he fails in his bid to secure the Pakistan position.

Current English tourists, West Indies, replaced former Queensland and Australian Academy coach Bennett King after a dismal World Cup with assistant David Moore. Moore a former NSW wicket-keeper has been Bennett’s right-hand man since his Academy days and he has a tough job ahead of him to create a winning environment within the disparate Caribbean structure.

Assuming Pakistan choose Lawson, Whatmore or Done as coach, five of the nine Test playing countries will have an Australian at the helm of their international squads. The infatuation with the Australian way has been a cricketing trend for well over a decade with only South Africa and England not employing an Australian as head coach in that period. It should be noted, however, that Rod Marsh and Troy Cooley made a significant impact on English cricket during their terms as Academy chief and fast-bowling mentor respectively.

This fetish for employing coaches from the Australian system raises an interesting question. Do Australians manage cricket teams better than other nationalities? Most Australain coaches of overseas sides have had mixed success. In fact no country with an Australian at the helm, Dav Whatmore’s Sri Lankans excepted, have defeated Australia in a Test series or World Cup match. The evidence suggests that having an Australian coach is no panacea for success but rather a nostrum, especially when playing the four-time World Champions.

It would appear cricket administrators are under the impression that the Baggygreen sheen will rub off on their own squads by the mere association with Australian methods and personnel. Ricky Ponting while visiting Bangladesh and India this past week put that myth into perspective.

“A coach is only as good as his team.” Punter said during a corporate function to promote Run Ricky Run, a charitable venture he is conducting with the sponsorship of a leading Indian bank. “He needs to be a good man manager and know his players but as for coaching, I’m not convinced. For example there is not a coach on Earth that could teach Anil Kumble how to bowl a better leg-break.”

After further questioning Ponting then debunked the myth further when he said, "If the national side hadn't been playing as well as it had been doing over the past few years, I don't think Australian coaches would have been much sought after. What a team needs is a man manager. Someone who manages time well, thinks outside the sphere of cricket and challenges the players everyday."

He then went on to say that the selectors role in managing generational change is more important than the work of the coach, "I think the Australian selectors handled it very well. Whenever there was a group of players of the same age on the verge of retirement, they brought on youngsters regularly."

Upon hearing of Ricky’s sentiments Australian selector Merv Hughes agreed and humorously quipped during his regular Sunday morning television appearance, “No coach in the game of cricket should be regarded as a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein”.

With men like the moustachioed Mervyn masterminding the Australian method, is it any wonder that the burly blokes from Downunder are desired across the globe for their cricketing expertise?

FISHING WITH ROY

This week an eerie hush fell over the shed. Even the cockatoos were absent from their morning routine of squawking raucously while ripping the verandah rails to shreds. Still, news has filtered through of Shane Warne’s five-for in a losing team at the beautiful Arundel Castle. Also Phil Jaques did his hopes of filling the vacant Australian opening slot no harm, scoring 124 in Worcestershire’s massive record equalling first innings total of 701 for 6 declared. Marcus North scored a fine century and snagged four wickets with his gentle off-breaks in an exciting match at Gloucester, while Victorian captain Craig White scored a ton playing for Somerset in their thrashing of Leicestershire.

In one-day action Brad Hodge continued his run of good form with 119 not out for Lancashire and the ever impressive Warne was influential with ball taking 3 for 30 from his 10 overs in Hampshire’s 2 run win against Kent.

With the off-season shenanigans in full swing and little to report on except roadkill and torrential rain, your nomadic reporter was favoured indeed when his mate Davo popped by the shed for a few cold ones. Not only did Davo have the compassion to fill the fridge but he also brought with him a DVD of a pilot television program made recently in Brisbane with the apposite title of Fishing with Roy.

In a Googly exclusive your Australian correspondent has been fortunate enough to view the show and although Davo reckons it is top secret, I am permitted to share the basic plot and a few of the gags with the good readers of the Thunder Downunder.

It begins on a perfect Queensland morning with a zooming wide-shot of a zinced-lipped Andrew 'Roy' Symonds chatting amicably with a grinning Matthew Hayden as the two big men stroll down a long wharf, tackle box and esky in hand. While boarding a spanking new 7.6 metre executive vessel at a luxurious Gold Coast canal marina, Symonds looked straight to camera and confidently exclaimed, ’G’Day. This morning on Fishing with Roy we're heading out to Stradbroke reef to rustle up some tucker that my mate Matt’s gonna cook-up for us a bit later on.’

The sparkling sunshine sprinkled transient natatorial diamonds as Roy and Haydos wrestled jocularly over the wheel. A friendly argument broke out until Andrew reminded Matt of the sinking of Our Lady. Matthew then reluctantly relinquished his hold on the wheel. Our Lady was Hayden’s 4.8 metre fishing boat that he capsized and sunk on the Stradbroke bar in 1999. That Roy was his passenger at the time and they had to swim for 90 minutes across the treacherous waters of Moreton Bay had not been forgotten. Roy finished the exchange with, ‘Look mate you almost killed us the last time you were skipper.’ Smiling a broad white-lipped grin he continued, ‘And when we swam through that school of pilchard I was secretly hoping a hungry shark mistook you for a fat seal.’

That sorted, Symonds took the wheel and charted the boat towards the Pacific Ocean. Before entering the vast aquatic wilderness Roy slowed the vessel so Matthew could lay a couple of pots in strategic locations along the river. As Matthew talked to camera about rancid flesh being irresistible to crayfish, Roy snuck up behind him as he was laying the last trap and pushed him in the drink while laughing hysterically. It became clear very early on who was the alpha male on this ship.

Cruising out to sea, salty dread ropes blowing across his face, Roy educated on various methods of tying hooks and the appropriate way to maintain your reel. He spoke with genuine excitement about different types of rod and bait selection. He was especially keen to show off his tackle box of home-made lures. His favourite a red, green, purple and white iridescent creation was made from feather of corella, lyrebird and rosella and the wing cuticle of a long dead Christmas Beetle. It was a sight to behold as he twirled it between his forefinger and thumb for the viewers, and his own, kaleidoscopic delight.

Matthew resplendently ridiculous in lime-green board shorts, yellow sponsor’s singlet, florescent orange life-jacket and sandals, reminded about the importance of the laws concerning water safety. With a wide smile he told a few anecdotes and Ricky received a grand bollocking about his comb-over and much deep chucking mirth followed.

Eventually, the fishing began and Roy was pulling them in from port and starboard, stern and bow. His knowledge of nomenclature, piscal anatomy and habitat was impressive. Matt elucidated about the environment, biodiversity and the need to leave something behind for the 2051 Ashes squad. Roy also demanded that he clean the fish. Matthew objected to this chore so Roy looked him square in the eye and said, ‘What’s the show called, mate. Fishing with Roy not Fishing with Boofhead’. With those words ringing in his ears Hayden clinically disemboweled a gasping mackerel with the same fury and ferocity he normally reserves for the new ball.

They enjoyed a beer or two and a chinwag on the return leg with a hilarious exchange of views concerning the poopdeck and touring India with Warnie. After clearing the craypots Roy expertly pulled into the wharf of a palatial Gold Coast mansion. There was much merriment as it was explained that it was Damien Martyn's place and he wasn't expecting them.

Matt sparked up the red-brick barbeque while Roy sneaked through Marto's back door, camera in one hand, tempestuous snapping lobster in the other, and punk'd him showing his cut shot to a lively Queensland wannabe supermodel. After the initial shock and some coaxing out of the bedroom, a rueful Damien put his disheveled lass in a cab and joined the boys out the back for a feed.

Hayden all spices and sweat, cooked up a storm whilst sucking on a stubby. He displayed with an easy-going charm how to fillet, marinate and cook the meat to perfection. He chopped herb, bulb and seed with the skill, dexterity and soft hands required to play the latest of late-cuts and then dressed the fish with the imagination of a culinary tailor. It was obvious that he was just as comfortable with blade, tongs and fire as he is with willow.

Martyn, wearing loud pink Hawaiian shirt, khaki cargo pants and his ever-shining Hollywood grin, whipped up a tasty salad that his Mum taught him to make while being sledged repeatedly for his earlier dalliance with his amorous anorexic acquaintance.

The show ended with the three of them tucking in at an outdoor table on the patio as a red sun descended into the Darling Downs. Davo’s mail is that the TV executives were impressed and some episodes will be recorded professionally between the Twenty/20 World Cup and the start of the Australian season.

It was a great show for a first effort and a terrific advertisement for the Queensland way of life. It was laidback and the blokey affection Roy and Matt displayed was genuine and heartwarming. Busting Damien Martyn was special and Davo and I agree that Shane Watson attending the hairdresser would be the perfect next target to get Roy'd.

INDIA IRRESISTABLE

A full house at Kingsmead in Durban witnessed a highly skilled and competitive World T20 second semi-final where India held on to defeat Australia by 15 runs. It was a thrilling match with plenty to cheer about for both teams but in the end India, led wonderfully by MS Dhoni, were too strong for a depleted but willing Australian team.

Australia were playing their first match of the tournament in Durban whilst India were playing their fifth and the extra knowledge acquired during those matches proved to be a crucial factor in India’s success. Dhoni won the toss and asked Adam Gilchrist’s bowlers to have first use of a flat and true pitch that offered little movement off the seam or in the air.

The match began in fits and starts with Virender Sehwag tweaking a muscle in his groin or thigh just two balls into Brett Lee’s first hostile over. He immediately called for a runner and this gave India an advantage in running between the wickets which they exploited ruthlessly. Amongst the confusion of two runners backing up, Australia were under constant pressure in the ring as the Indians continued to drop the ball at their feet and run the cheeky single. The ball was pinging around the infield like a sugar-crazed fat kid in a well-stocked Grubber as not one Australian shy hit the timber early on. The backing-up of the throwing was supremely professional with not one overthrow despite a dozen attempts missing the target.

India batted watchfully and sensibly to the new ball and after the field-restricting first six overs India were 36 for the loss of Sehwag who was out-foxed in Mitchell Johnson’s first over. Australia had definite plans for India’s openers and to a man they bowled short at Sehwag and full to Ghambir. Sehwag, who may or may not have been hampered by his apparent injury (he was bowling only 100 minutes later), fell to one of the oldest tricks in the fast-bowlers manual. Johnson gave him a wide one to start with which Sehwag squirted square for four. The next ball was quicker, straighter and on the same length and predictably the batsman played the same fruitful stroke but was cramped for room and could only get a top edge through to Gilchrist. Australia have picked up Virender in the same fashion on several occasions in Test matches and despite his explosive batting talent he still has a few lessons to learn. Perhaps T20 will revive his career but I am not expecting to see him in the forthcoming Test series against Australia in December.

Interestingly, Australia still had a slip in place as the seventh over began which was bowled quite brilliantly by Stuart Clark. In this eventful over Uthappa was given a life when Pup Clarke spilled a difficult leaping well-timed chance and then the same fielder missed a run out chance from 35 metres the very next ball. Fortunately, Stu Clark picked up Ghambir off the last ball of the over after Brad Hodge made a relatively simple outfield catch difficult by slipping on the dewy outfield as the ball sailed towards him.

Taking a wicket is always cheerful for the fielding team but they are not always welcome in T20. With Ghambir’s demise in strolled the seemingly unflappable star of the tournament, Yuvraj Singh. The elegant left-hander became the first batsman to hit six sixes in an over in international T20 while scoring the fastest ever half-century against a hapless and brain-dead England a few nights ago and he continued in a similar style carting the Australian bowlers to every corner in a match-winning partnership with Robin Uthappa. The stylish pair added 84 in six and half overs and when Uthappa was run out coolly by a clearly frustrated Andrew Symonds, India were well on their way to setting a significant total for Australia to chase.

The Indian skipper and superstar talisman Mahendra Dhoni joined Yuvraj at the crease and both looked comfortable until Yuvraj was deceived by a Michael Clarke arm-ball and with 15 deliveries remaining India were 155/4. Yuvraj scored 70 from 30 balls with five fours and an equal number of sixes. It was a thrilling innings and if Yuvraj can continue his superb clean-hitting when Australia arrive in India at the end of the week, the Australian brains-trust will be enduring many sleepless nights trying to devise a method to curb his ebullience.

Dhoni, now paired with the under-rated Rohit Sharma, opened his shoulders and played some inventive agricultural swipes that would have done a sickle wielding thatch-cutter proud. When he was dismissed run out scrambling for a bye off the penultimate ball, the job was done and India finished with a respectable and hefty 188/5 from the twenty overs allowed.

Australia did not bowl or field below their usual excellent standards. Only one wide was delivered and only one chance was put down. And that was a very difficult opportunity to grasp. A few close run outs were missed but you cannot expect a fieldsman, even some of the best on the planet, to hit the stumps every time. Truth is, India matched Australia’s intensity and backed themselves to put a big total on the board. Runs up front are always important in big games and this tournament has proved that twenty-over cricket is not much different to longer forms of the ancient game. It is only condensed. The same themes apply.

With a crowd that was overwhelming supporting India, which is not surprising given that according to the 2001 South African census 600,000 people of Indian descent live in the Durban metropolitan area, Australia were always going to find nine and more an over a significant challenge.

Gilchrist started strongly regularly clipping anything full on middle and leg through and over midwicket but Hayden found the impressive Shanthakumaran Sreesanth a handful and the aggressive quick beat Hayden repeatedly while the ball was still shiny. Gilchrist was finally dismissed after a whirlwind cameo by a scorching late in-swinging yorker from a gesticulating Sreesanth in the sixth over.

Hodge joined Hayden and after hitting an exquisitely timed maximum over long on, he was dismissed when he middled a hook straight to Joginder Sharma who didn’t have to move in taking a safe catch at backward square leg. Hodge looked in good touch and was a tad unlucky picking out the only fieldsman behind square in the ring on the leg side.

At 68/2 in the ninth over Australia had some work to do to in their chase and the muscular Queenslanders Andrew Symonds and Matthew Hayden set about the task as you would expect a world champion pair would in the circumstances. They both batted with determination and flair and when Sreesanth brilliantly bowled Hayden in the fifteenth over Australia had reduced the run rate required to a gettable but difficult 10 runs an over.

At this point with five overs remaining the Indians were showing signs of nerves, fumbling in the field exacerbated by Harbhajan and Yuvraj barking orders to anyone in listening distance, but that all changed when Symonds attempted one cross-batted slog too many and was clean bowled by the wily Pathan with the score at 156/4 with twenty legal deliveries left to bowl.

With three overs remaining and Australia now requiring 30 to win, the Indian senior players, Dhoni, Harbhajan and Yuvraj met mid-pitch for a long and at times quite heated discussion. The game was in the balance and one wrong move could spell disaster for either team and on Yuvraj’s insistence Harbhajan Singh, Australia’s long-time nemesis, came on to bowl with Clarke and Hussey at the crease. It was a telling decision and in hindsight, the most critical over of the match. Harbhajan bowled Clarke with a perfectly pitched dart and then tied up Haddin until the last ball of the over where India gladly gave him the single.

With only three runs and a vital wicket coming from the over, Australia’s run-rate ballooned to in excess of 13 from the final two and when RP Singh deceived Haddin four balls in succession after bowling a beamer first ball, the game was as good as decided. Hussey, who like Sehwag required a runner, was left disappointed and lonely at square leg wondering what might have been if the Australian selectors on this tour weren’t so infatuated with the New South Wales gloveman’s apparent hitting ability. Considering that fifty runs were regularly hit off Australia’s fifth bowler combination of Clarke and Symonds and that Haddin contributed next to nothing in the matches he participated, it takes no imagination to state that Australia should have played Brad Hogg after Ponting and then Watson were declared unfit.

India were deserved winners and the World Twenty20 has a final that has been dreamed of by around a billion people for decades. India and Pakistan in a showdown for a global trophy. This match-up will obviously be recorded as a major match in cricket’s long and winding history and it will no doubt give this new format credibility and a firm place in the future of cricket. Saying that, there are a few things I, as a spectator and active cricketer, would like changed.

Firstly, to keep the balance between bat and ball, a must for a competitive cricket match, I’d like to see the free-hit scrapped and replaced, if they must have an extra penalty for over-stepping, with a two run penalty instead of the standard one.

Secondly, some of the most famous matches in the cricketing annals have been ties and if a winner must be decided, I’d favour an extra five overs each much like extra-time that you see in other sports to decide the contest. Be far more exciting and credible than a ridiculous bowl-out.

Thirdly, I’d like to see the beamer punished more harshly, not only in T20 but in all forms of cricket. As someone who has had the displeasure on several separate occasions to be beamed by a vengeful fast bowler, I guarantee that it is not a fair contest and is outright dangerous even with a helmet. Rather than a no-ball and a warning, I propose an instant 5 run penalty, a no-ball and a warning. This delivery is becoming more and more prevalent in the game and only a fool would think that it does not affect a batsman’s mind for a short time after. In T20, the match can hinge on a ball and although I think it would have made no difference to the result, RP Singh’s vicious first up delivery to Haddin shook him and with so few balls left and still runs to score it was a sinister, unsporting and unnecessary ploy.

And lastly, I’d like runners to be banned in T20 cricket. Twice during last night’s match the momentum of the spectacle was broken firstly by Sehwag calling for assistance between the wickets and then Hussey. T20 is a short game and sides aren’t regularly bowled out and if the batsman injured his hand instead of his lower appendages he would just politely retire hurt. Seeing Sehwag bowl and field shortly after batting with a runner was suspicious to say the least and if his injury wasn’t too bad he could have retired hurt and returned later in the innings.

That’s it for The Shed at the World Twenty20 and like the Australian team I am now turning my attention to the vastly populated landmass of India where a seven-match ODI series and a single T20 international is scheduled in the coming weeks. Australia learnt plenty at these inaugural championships and will be far better off from the experience. Clearly the two best sides are in the final and it promises to be a cracking contest. The next instalment of this tournament is in England in 2009, the same year as The Ashes, and it won’t surprise me if Australia are once again under-prepared for the hurly-burly of the World Twenty20. The Ashes is the prize that Australian cricket covets most and that’s where their energies will be placed in 20 months time. You can bet your house on it.

SRI LANKA SCHEIßEHAUS

Australia dominated from the opening ball of Brett Lee's first over to spliflicate Sri Lanka by 10 wickets with 10 overs to spare at Newlands this morning South African time.

Adam Gilchrist, deputising for the injured Ponting, called correctly and invited Mahela Jayawardene to have a bat. It was a good toss to win with the match beginning at 10am and Australia's fast bowlers used the helpful atmospheric conditions to perfection to have Sri Lanka 43/7 at the halfway mark of their innings.

Once again, Stuart Clarke slipped into McGrath's size fifteen's and hardly bowled a bad ball in decimating the Lankan middle order after Lee and Bracken removed Jayasuria, Tharanga and Jayawardene in the first three overs.

Sri Lanka's dismal performance wasn't because the Australian bowlers were unplayable or that the ball was moving around extraordinarily, it was because the Sri Lankan top-order refused to play straight early on and they paid a heavy price for their impatience and lack of respect.

Vaas and Mubarak rescued the team from complete humiliation with a 40 run seven over stand but it was all in vain for Sri Lanka were all out for 101 three balls short of the scheduled climax.

Australia fielded well and apart from a misjudged catch by Brad Hodge, the fielding was professional and without mistake. Michael Clarke, in particular, was electric either in the ring square on the offside or down patrolling the boundary at long on. He took two sharp diving chances in Stuart Clarke's second over to totally put Sri Lanka out of the contest.

Australia's chase was as equally efficient as the fielding and bowling. Little risk was taken with each ball played on its merits and when Hayden smacked his second six into the grandstand at deep long on Australia had not only booked themselves a place in the semi-finals but also ended Sri Lanka's progress in the tournament.

Shane Watson, in the team to replace Ricky Ponting, once again broke down in delivery stride and it may be time for the Australian selectors to replace him with Tasmania's Luke Butterworth as the fast bowling allrounder in the limited overs set-up. This was probably his last chance before going back to domestic cricket to prove himself for the fourth time. He will be a most depressed young man this evening and we can only hope he returns to Brisbane and gets himself completely fit before attempting a return to the hard grind of first-class and international cricket.

The predictable injury to Watson may be a blessing in disguise for the Australian team. The selectors have little choice but bring Brad Hogg into the team and this will strengthen Australia's only apparent weakness, the fifth bowler.

In a portent for the future Test series against Sri Lanka in November, Watson viciously bounced Malinga first ball and he can expect plenty more short stuff as can his team-mates when they make the long trek Downunder later this year.

Considering this match was a knock-out and that if Sri Lanka had any hope they had to bowl Australia out, it was confusing to see Malinga held back till the ninth over when Australia only needed 24 more. Vaas and Fernando were servicable but wickets were needed and if anyone understands Jayawardene's tactics, leave a comment to educate the rest of us.

All up, a good Australian win but no need to get carried away. Sri Lanka were awful. What was encouraging was that for the third time this week Australia have won matches where a loss would have ended their campaign. This augurs well for the semi-final but make no qualms, India in Durban, will be very tough opponents.

PAKISTAN IMPRESSIVE

While Geoff Lawson sat like a stony faced Rapa Nui Moai in the fidgety and excited Pakistan dugout, his charges played some very impressive cricket to defeat Australia by six wickets with four balls to spare at The Wanderers in Johannesburg overnight.

On a warm, humid afternoon Pakistan, led brilliantly by new skipper Shoaib Malik and backed up superbly by every bowler, contained Australia to 164/7 from their 20 overs. Their fielding was slick and classy with Afridi throwing the stumps down on several occasions and their catching was faultless with more than one sharp, difficult chance taken. The athleticism and skill was sublime entertainment and at times this match was, without exaggeration, quite breathtaking.

Recently, Pakistan removed their three most celebrated players from the current squad, Inzamam, Yousef and Akhtar and have replaced them with players that are hungry to prove themselves.

Left-arm quick Sohail Tanvir, a supposed batting allrounder playing his first internationals for his country, was outstanding in his opening three over spell. He removed both Hayden and Gilchrist and caused Ponting no end of trouble. His unique whippy action, where he appears to bowl off the wrong foot, made the ball difficult to pick up for the Australian top-order and it was a wise decision to include this young man in the squad after Shoaib Akhtar’s latest indiscretion.

Wasim Akram, perhaps the greatest left-arm seam bowler of all, has had a lot to do with Tanvir’s development and it is more than evident in his approach to the wicket and the attacking nature of his overs. Tanvir, who has yet to take a domestic wicket in T20, was a surprise and controversial choice to replace Akhtar but Lawson insisted on his inclusion after he tore through the Australia ‘A’ top order in the recently finished three match ODI series in Pakistan. Incredibly, Tanvir is regarded primarily as a batsman and he has struck several first-class centuries and why it may be too early to call, it looks as though Lawson with the help of his good mate Akram has uncovered a cricket team’s most rare and valuable asset. A genuine allrounder.

Afridi and Hafeez, the Pakistani spinners, bowled beautifully. Instead of bowling flat and defensively they attacked the Australians and in doing so illustrated to the rest of the sides in this tournament how to defeat the World Champions. Match their intensity and attack at every opportunity. Obviously, Lawson has had an enormous influence on this strategy and although satisfied with the win, I suspect he may have mixed feelings about being such an influential part in Australia’s defeat. He is after all, a very proud member of the Baggygreen elite.

Despite the Pakistani heroics Australia matched them until calamity struck. In the ninth over with Australia scoring at near ten an over, Ponting set off for a quick single and pulled, tweaked or tore his hamstring. A few balls later Ponting, obviously in a lot of discomfort, was cleverly bowled by Hafeez. The wily spinner recognised that Ricky was lame and looped a ball on a teasing drivable length. Ponting unable to use his feet swished an ugly swipe at the turning delivery and was deservedly bowled.

Australia never really recovered from the loss of their inspirational skipper and despite a solid partnership from Hodge and Hussey the favourites were on the back foot throughout their innings.

Umar Gul and Asif ably supported by Tanvir bowled perfect yorker after perfect yorker in the last four overs and when Johnson snicked a ball to third man for a single from the last ball Australia knew that they were 20 or more runs short of a defendable total.

Pakistan’s innings started poorly, as it has throughout the tournament, and a third of the way through their chase they were precariously poised at 46/4. At this point the resurgent Misbah-ul-Haq joined the classy Shoaib Malik at the crease and for the rest of the match Pakistan dominated.

Misbah, another Lawson inspired controversial selection, is Pakistan’s most decorated domestic T20 player averaging over 50 at a strike rate of 130+ from his 20 matches. His experience showed against a determined Australian attack and the ease that Malik and Misbah chased down Australia’s total illustrated their tremendous skill, temperament and class.

Australia, without Ponting, looked diminished in the field and while Gilchrist did a serviceable job as deputy, it was clear that without their skipper Australia are significantly weakened, tactically and emotionally.

Pakistan, taking on Australia at their own game by playing fearless attacking cricket, exposed a gaping hole in the current Australian T20 attack. Symonds and Clarke sharing the work of the fifth bowler may be successful against less skilled and determined opponents but against a class and now well-coached outfit like Pakistan they looked second-rate.

Pakistan have caused Australia no end of problems as they prepare for the crunch knockout match with World Cup runners-up Sri Lanka tomorrow. There are now doubts over the team balance and Ponting’s injury only exacerbates this problem. It is a great opportunity for the Lankans to revenge Australia while they are in a weakened and confused state. Australia will bounce back, that is undeniable, but this is a chance that Sri Lanka would be keen to advantage.

Summing up, Pakistan were brilliant and if they can play such excellent disciplined cricket in their next three matches they will be deserving winners of the inaugural World Twenty20 Championships. Lawson’s controversial selections of Malik as captain, a seemingly washed-up Misbah and the young and super-impressive Tanvir are now looking strokes of genius. A new dawn has arrived in Pakistani cricket and if the players take heed of Henry's direction perhaps a long and successful era as well.

AUSTRALIA CONTINUE TO IMPROVE

Australia continued their improvement after a long lay-off defeating Bangladesh in a canter by 9 wickets. For the third match in succession the Australian four-pronged pace attack restricted the opposition to a score under 135. For all the talk of T20 being a batsman’s game Johnson, Clark, Lee and Bracken bowled to their strength and completely dominated Bangladesh from the start.

Although only four days into taking this format seriously, Australia have quickly surmised that if you bowl short and quick over off stump the batsman is forced to play a precarious cross-batted shot. Few players outside Australia and South Africa are confident or internationally competent off the back foot and it seems at this point, a winning, wicket-taking run-reducing strategy.

Ponting won the toss and in what is developing as a pattern during this tournament decided to field first. Bangladesh openers, Tamim Iqbal and Nazimuddin, began cautiously and solidly and when the first wicket fell at the end of the sixth over Bangladesh were 40/1. The men in green and red continued to bat intelligently albeit tardily hoping to lay a platform, keeping wickets in hand for a burst in the final five overs. Halfway through the 17th over they were looking reasonably good for a final assault at 108/3. But then a little piece of history intervened.

Brett Lee, who is still finding rhythm after a six month long injury induced break, struck three times in successive balls to snare the first international T20 hat-trick. As is often the case during a cricket match, a Bangledeshi error the ball before changed the course and led to this historic moment.

Aftab Ahmed skied a ball into the vacant mid-wicket area and as the ball plugged into the dampish outfield two Australian fielders converged on it. There was an easy two runs but the sight of muscular Symonds picking the ball up from the turf led to confusion and only a single being taken. So instead of the in-form Aftab on strike, Shakib al Hussein faced the next delivery instead. Cricket almost always punishes you for making rudimentary mistakes and Bangladesh paid dearly for their poor running and communication on this occasion.

The very next ball Brett Lee bowled to plan with a rising delivery over off-stump which Shakib tried to cut square but was beaten for pace and all he could do was thinly top-edge the ball off the shoulder of the bat through to Australian wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist. It was too close to the body to cut and far too often did the Bangladeshi batsman back away towards square-leg to cut rather than getting inside the line to pull or hook.

Next batsman, Mushrafe Mortaza, chose to back away as Lee was in his delivery stride and not believing his luck Brett took a little pace off the ball and pitched it at the base of off-stump for a predictable result. The third batsman in the hatrick, Alok Kapali, at least had the courage to stand his ground but was trapped plum on the crease by a canny off-cutter and was rightly adjudged LBW.

Lee has been the least impressive of the fast bowling attack so far at this tournament and I doubt that it will be the last hatrick by a bowler playing T20 this campaign. Bracken, bowling the 20th over, was also on a hat-trick but Bangladesh glove-man Rahim thought that one hat-trick an innings was enough and he cautiously played the penultimate ball for a nurdled two behind square rather than give Bracken the opportunity by recklessly trying to hit him into the stands off his first ball faced.

Australia, due to some fine bowling backed up by sharp and incisive fielding, restricted Bangladesh to 123 from their allotted 20 overs. This was never going to be enough and Hayden and Gilchrist helped themselves to a cool 100 from the first 11 overs before Gilchrist was run out pushing for a quick single by a sharp piece of ground fielding by Tamim Iqbal and an equally fine piece of keeping by Rahim.

Ponting strode to the wicket with a determination to see the team home and both he and Hayden were not out when the score was passed with more than 6 overs remaining. Another solid win by the men in yellow and next up will be, perhaps Australia's hardest match to date, against the mercurial team from Pakistan.

In closing, Australia are finding their feet and are starting to put together the type of cricket that has seen them undisputed World Champions for the last decade. Hayden looks back to his best, Gilchrist is striking them well, as is Ponting and Symonds. Little slogging is taking place with a determination to play attacking yet traditional cricket shots to get the job done. The pace bowling attack, Stuart Clarke in particular, have been excellent and are working in partnerships allowing little respite from their short-pitched chest-high attack. The fielding is starting to intimidate their opponents and this can be seen by the indecisive running of England and Bangladesh in the last two matches.

Australia are looking good to make the semi-finals and one more win over the equally impressive Sri Lankans or Pakistan should see them through to the business end.

AUSTRALIA RESURRECTED

With the sun on their backs and a Zimbabwean sting in their tails, the Australian team late this afternoon in Cape Town played almost perfect cricket to comprehensively defeat England by eight wickets with more than 30 balls to spare. Australia played the new diminished format with the hunger reserved for Test matches and it paid dividends. No quarter was given and the newer members of the England squad seemed spooked by the aggressive nature and technical ability of an Australian XI with plenty to prove.

Paul Collingwood called correctly at the toss and in what is a debatable decision, chose to bat first on a true but yet to be tested surface. England’s openers, Prior and Maddy, began cautiously and seemed uncomfortable with the high bounce of the new strip. Ponting instantly recognised this and replaced Lee and Bracken after only one over with the new ball, replacing the duo with the impressive Johnson and the ever-reliable Stuart Clarke. It was an incisive piece of captaincy and the extra bounce generated by his taller pacemen saw the wickets of Prior, Wright and Maddy fall in quick succession. Ponting had his Ashes face on and England never recovered from this early setback.

Pietersen shared brief fruitful partnerships with Collingwood and Flintoff before he too succumbed to the pressure. He played such a woeful shot that it defies description. A half-volley on leg stump cleaned bowled him because he was to and fro in the crease with his chest facing the bowler hitting across the line. There were seven overs left and England desperately needed a steady hand at that point. As is often the case against Australia, all of England’s hopes now rested on Andrew Flintoff’s broad but burdened shoulders.

Flintoff looked in good touch and it was obvious that he was not intimidated by the Australian presence. In fact, Fred rose to the occasion hitting a brace of sixes down the ground from Symonds before being tempted into trying to lob short third man from an accurate Johnson bouncer, the delivery directly after Ponting had cleverly moved the fielder into the circle.

A predictable and familiar rout began after Flintoff’s demise with the last five wickets falling for a paltry eight runs. Full credit should be given to the Australian frontline bowlers who performed admirably and intelligently throughout. Ponting used his multi-faceted pace attack well and on more than one occasion his tactical awareness led to wickets falling and consequently runs drying up.

Bracken after an untidy first over returned to bowl his final three on the trot and when he bowled Broad from the last ball of the innings England had scored 135 from their 20 overs.

It was a small total on a good pitch and the way England began its innings - either blocking or slogging - was in stark contrast to the Australian approach.

Hayden and Gilchrist waited for the loose ball in the first few overs and were content to have a look and score at an easy run-a-ball. After two solid overs each from Broad and a wincing Flintoff, Collingwood bravely brought himself on and Gilchrist and Hayden helped themselves to four boundaries. James Kirtley, on next in his only over, bowled too full and Hayden hit him for four more scintillating boundaries and each shot straight from the text-book.

Hayden and Gilchrist continued their merry measured approach but anything slightly off line or length was quickly despatched. It was an impressive opening partnership that was broken in the ninth over with the score on 78. Gilchrist threw his wicket away lofting a drive from Schofield to long on where Flintoff took a safe outfield catch. The Australian skipper joined Hayden and the same clinical pattern continued until Ponting scooped a low full toss back at a visibly suffering Flintoff who nonchalantly accepted the gift in one hand.

With only 16 runs to win and the skipper back in the sheds, Hayden decided that he’d had enough too. He arrogantly despatched the next three deliveries for 14 before Symonds hit the winning runs with a boundary from his first ball faced.

Ponting’s men, like all champion outfits, responded after a setback with pride and conviction. Their opponents began surprisingly tentatively and a wounded Australian team never let them back in the contest. England looked poor no matter how you analyse it and their specialists and youngsters appeared overawed and diminished by the occasion.

Australia now know that they can play T20 at a high standard and they are only going to improve from this point on. John Buchanan taught the team that in disaster lies oppportunity. It is a lesson not easily learned. Ricky Ponting demanded that the the team give the new format the same care that they give other matches when playing for their country. The team responded with verve and bearing in mind his belated arrival, these last few days illustrate the enormous respect and influence that Ricky Ponting generates amongst his team-mates.

Zimbabwe awoke a giant. If Australia play to their potential in T20 cricket it won't be much fun for their opponents. It will be tough, clinical and uncompromising. And that dear readers, is how cricket is played best.

ZIMBABWE TRIUMPHANT

In cool, damp conditions at Newlands, the young Zimbabwean team outplayed and out-thought Australia in every facet of the game winning by five wickets with one ball to spare. In what was the tightest and most nerve-wracking match of the tournament to date, Ponting won the toss and curiously batted on a pudding of a pitch. Canny bowling and excellent fielding saw Australia perennially on the back-foot and a measly 137/9 was accumulated from their allotted 20 overs.

Zimbabwe’s fielding was magnificent with every chance and half-chance taken. The out-fielding was slick and their enthusiasm for the contest was manifestly infectious. Most impressive was Man of the Match, 21 year old wicketkeeper Brendan Taylor, who set the standard with a flawless Healy-like display with the gloves. His stumping of Symonds was the work of a class cricketer and his presence over the bails to every bowler always had Australia nervous and tied to the crease.

The Zim bowling attack used the cool overcast early evening conditions to perfection, with the dibbly-dobs of veteran Gary Brent almost unplayable. Brent took the pace off the ball and bowled short of a length darting it off the seam both ways and Australia’s much-celebrated batsmen struggled to hit the ball off the square.

The conditions favoured the bowlers to such an extent that even former Test wicketkeeper Tatenda Taibu had the ball swinging and seaming and beating the bat. Perhaps the Zimbabwean's incredible fielding display can be best summed up by the brilliant run-out of Hussey by the emerging talent of Vusimuzi Sibanda.

Hussey, who could not find the middle of the bat, mishit a late inswinging delivery into his pad and unsure where the ball had gone took a few exploratory steps down the wicket anticipating Symond’s call. In a flash, Sibanda had glided in from square-leg and in one movement dived, fielded the ball and under-armed the stumps down from 15 metres. Hussey was caught short of his ground and that fine piece of cricket was crucial in keeping the Australians under pressure.

Australia’s tail gave support to Brad Hodge and added some much needed runs with a lusty blow or three in the last few overs but when Bracken fell to another excellent piece of fielding from Sibanda off the last ball, most knew that 137 would not be enough.

Australia’s opening bowlers, Brett Lee and Nathan Bracken struggled to find the length early on and Sibanda ably supported by Taylor took advantage putting 31 on the board in the first three overs. Ponting quickly turned to Stuart Clark who instantly found the length and when rain intervened in the twelfth over Australia had clawed their way back into the contest and remarkably were ahead on the Duckworth/Lewis method despite Zimbabwe clearly playing the better cricket.

It would have been an injustice if Australia had won this match because of the weather and many expressed a sigh of relief when the covers came off after a 30 minute delay. An angry and frustrated Ponting berated his team during the break and after the disruption Australia threw everything at the inexperienced Zimbabweans but to no avail.

Mitchell Johnson bowled a hostile spell of short pitched deliveries that reminded the Zimbabweans that they were in a contest but Taylor, in his finest international performance to date, kept his team in the hunt, hitting two sixes from the bowling of Hodge and coolly creating two boundaries off the last over to guide his team home to an historic victory from the penultimate ball.

At match end, the Zimbabweans did the obligatory flag-waving lap-of-honour after beating Australia and there was much talk in post-match interviews of “giving the people back home something to smile about”. Credit must be given to the cold, wet and disappointed Australian team for fighting to the end and also for a fine example of sportsmanship at match end. They waited on the field for over 10 minutes while their opponents wildly celebrated so they could shake hands and extend the offer of a cold post-match beer.

Zimbabwe deserved to win and played some very solid, intelligent and at times brilliant cricket. To label the Australians arrogant or rusty is unwarranted and unfair to the young men from Zimbabwe. They played fantastically as individuals and as a team and thoroughly deserved their hard-fought victory. Australia will learn from this loss and perhaps will now treat the T20 format with the dillegence it seemingly deserves.

Ricky indicated as much when at match end he was asked what went wrong, “Aw look, we've just got to start respecting the game now. We were three for next to nothing in the practice matches too, it’s something we need to look at”.

Australia also lost their initial ODI against Zimbabwe way back at the 1983 World Cup and that win catapulted the small and chaotic African nation into the world’s elite. Almost a quarter century later we can only hope that this achievement at the inaugural World Twenty20 will give the Zim boys the belief, recognition and impetus to regain that treasured status.